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In this article in our workplace conflict series, we will examine some common ways people working together create conflict with basic bad manners and insults, particularly those that show up in facial expressions, hand gestures, and disrespectful language.

We’ve all been on the receiving end of these behaviors. Think about how they made you feel. Think about whether you are guilty of behaving this way and promise yourself to pay more attention to your manners.

What message is your face sending to others?

• Eye-rolling
  Eye-rolling communicates a put-down. It is often done in front of others in reference to a co-worker who can’t see the eye-roll, although for a particularly insulting message, it can be done face-to face.
• Side glances
  Usually executed with a head tilt and your lids slightly closed, this sends a message that you don’t trust or believe what a co-worker is saying.
• Looking up to the ceiling, as if to say, “Give me a break!”
  The message here, again, is a sarcastic, dismissive put-down.
• Bobbing your head
• When you bob your head impatiently when someone is talking to you, you send the message that you have no patience or interest in what they are saying.

What message are your hands sending to others?

• Grooming yourself while someone is talking to you
  When you inspect your clothes and brush off lint, real or imagined, while someone is speaking to you, it is a way of dismissing the speaker. You are literally “brushing them off.”
• Checking your watch, cell phone or PDA
  This sends the message that something is more important than the person speaking to you. It sends a message of boredom and disrespect.
• Tossing documents
  Imagine being in a meeting, sitting around the conference table and the agenda gets to you with a toss of the hand from the person running the meeting. Sliding or spinning a document across a table to a co-worker is a message of dislike and disrespect.
• Fidgeting with pens, paperclips or doodling during conversation
• This is another way of communicating that you want to move on or are distracted.

What message is your language sending to others?

• Sighing (with or without lifting your shoulder) indicates boredom or disinterest.
• Talking on the side to someone else while the main speaker is speaking is rude to everyone in the room, not just to the main speaker.
• Walking out of the room while still talking
  When you turn away and leave a conversation in progress, the message sent is that you aren’t interested in the other person’s response.
• Asking loaded questions                                                                                           A loaded question is one that usually presupposes another problem. They often imply an accusation and can put a co-worker on the defensive.
  

Bottom Line

Facial moves, hand gestures, and the timing and type of language we choose can send deliberate and sometimes even inadvertent, damaging messages. These dismissive and disrespectful messages can create anger and resentment in co-workers, leading to dysfunction in the workplace and on project teams.

Take time to see if you have a habit of responding in any of the ways noted above. If you notice a few, make an effort to change them by using straight, clear conversation. If someone is talking about something you cannot address or give your attention to at that moment, tell them. Schedule another time to listen and evaluate their message.

Should you spot one of these examples in a co-worker, realize there is a message behind the physical action or words chosen. Addressing the message, rather than being put off by the delivery of it, will serve to lessen the level of conflict in your workplace.

Remember that in workplace litigation, often a plaintiff with a complaint against an employer will cite these types of social interactions as evidence of discrimination or other unfair treatment.